The ocean is a dangerous place. Everybody knows that and most of us have experienced it firsthand. Jellyfish stings on feet; pieces of coral gouging holes in thighs; lightning striking the ocean where you're swimming and fusing your arms to the sides of your body and making you into a horrifying fish-person.
So why do we continue to allow the elderly to fish alone?
Look at this old man. He plans to catch a fish today, and he plans to eat it. He has been trying mightily, as evidenced by his wind-beaten hat, grizzled facial hair, and deeply wrinkled skin. This old man is a fool. (courtesy: theoldmansea.blogspot.com)
Every year, hundreds of old people die fishing for marlin by themselves. A marlin is the size of at least ten old people, and could eat at least nine of them before it began to get uncomfortably full and would have to sit down and take a nap.
"I say! This will make a fine meal! My family will eat splendidly this evening!" thought the Marlin. (courtesy: bluemarlin3.com)
We have to make old people see that they simply can't just be gallivanting into the ocean whenever they want, because they could break their hips, and they'll miss the Gunsmoke marathon on TVLand.
1. Old People Are Not Properly Trained to Fish
Old people have no training in the art of the catch. They shuffle about aimlessly, dropping their bobs in the water and falling asleep, dreaming of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and that son of a bitch Harry Truman. Behold, this footage (captured by a woman who was tragically devoured by squirrels) of an old person in his natural habitat, observing the fishers. He looks lost and not entirely continent, and cannot possibly be thinking that he should go fishing.
2. Old People Are Inherently Incapable of Using Boats
Just look at them. Even with younger, strapping folks holding both their arms and pushing them up from the inside of the boat, they still cannot master the art of getting in and out of watercraft. This is truly the tragedy of the elderly.
Without the proper training in the act of fishing or the vehicle of fishing, how can we trust old people alone on the water? I continue to place the blame squarely on the head of Ernest Hemingway for enticing generations of old people to sail out to fish in hopes of finding some sort of existential meaning in the endless wait for a fish.
What have you done, Papa? Don't act so satisfied with yourself. Just because they're old and probably can't drink strong whiskey doesn't mean they deserve to be eaten alive and then drowned. (courtesy: cocktailculture.wordpress.com)
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